Warning: I’m a Shallow, Selfish Bitch-Slut Who Farts

A friend of mine passed along an article by Tracy McMillan on “Why You’re Not Married,”  which grandly states: “The problem is not men, it’s you.”

I have to admit, her thoughts on the subject royally pissed me off.

That’s right. The Feel Good Woman is angry. If the title didn’t drip with enough sarcasm to clue you in on that already.

And, Girl Scout’s Honor, it is not because she is blaming women for their own unmarried state. For me, being a feminist includes understanding when I am at fault and being able to admit it. I don’t want to be treated special, I want to be treated equal. This is actually a big factor in finding someone I would like to date — I need someone who will call me out on it if I’m being unfair or get out of hand. And I’ll take the blame where I’m due.

But McMillan goes too far. She paints a portrait of an incredibly disproportionate relationship, perpetuates female stereotypes, and holds standards for women she apparently does not hold for men.

I want to go through her points as she has numbered them, so you may want to skim the article before you read on.

1. “You’re a Bitch.”
   First of all, McMillan says that being a bitch just means you’re “angry.” This is something I’ve already discussed at length in a previous post, but I’ll say it again: I’M ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY. Last time I checked, I wasn’t a robot.
   In addition to that, if you’re going to call someone a bitch and mean it in a negative way (because sometimes I use it positively), shouldn’t it mean that they have done something really cruel or hurtful to someone? Not that they are “angry at Sarah Palin”?
   My favorite part is when she basically suggests women be like “Kim Kardashian” and “smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape.” If some guy’s masculinity is so fragile that he is threatened by me getting worked up now and then about sexism, or by my politically active lifestyle, I don’t want to marry him. I’ll support his ambitions and battles only if he can support mine.
2. “You’re Shallow.”
   McMillan has magnanimously decided that women should look only for “character” when in search of husbands. As if chemistry or passion have no place in a marriage. I have a lot of great guy friends of whom I think the world, but do I want to sleep with all of them? No.
   Yes, we should look for men of character, and I agree that waiting until you find a guy just a little bit taller or richer is absolutely ludicrous. But we should also look for men with whom we can feel some passion as well. Sometimes that passion will blossom the more you get to know a person. Sometimes it won’t. Sorry for listening to my vagina now and then, but a lot of men make their decisions based on their penis’s feelings and I don’t see people telling them that’s why they’re not married. Or maybe they are and I just haven’t witnessed it. In any case, I don’t think I should be held to a higher moral standard. (Or be made to feel bad for “never feel[ing] like cooking,” which has little to do with this particular point, McMillan. Stay on topic.)
3. “You’re a Slut.”
   When I saw this, my jaw dropped. Really? Slut-shaming? Classy, McMillan.
   Here again I agree with her main point: humping your way to a husband is probably not going to work. Although there are exceptions, I believe most healthy relationships are built slowly upon small stepping stones.
   Marriage aside, I mainly just don’t like that she used the word slut. I’m of the opinion that you should be able to have sex with whomever, whenever you want, as long as you’re being safe, getting tested, and getting consent. And, yanno, not bumping uglies in the middle of Central Park or something. And you should be able to do all of that without getting called a name, or having someone relate your sex life to addiction to “heroin.”
4. “You’re a Liar.”
   I don’t disagree with her argument here either. I always push honesty and communication with your partners, lovers, and significant others. If you want a healthy, committed relationship, openness is key. I can’t possibly stress that enough.
   But I do disagree with her heading. It’s somewhat misleading. I think a woman who wants to marry a man but agrees to casual sex is probably lying to herself more than anything, but saying, “You’re a Liar” insinuates that you are telling an awful lie to someone else. I don’t think her “lie” is directly hurting the male in the situation described, if he is truly only interested in casual sex.
5. “You’re Selfish.”
   This one probably ticked me off the most. I’m selfish because I want a great career and because I put thought into my outfits? That just summed up most of the American female population. And most of the male population, actually. Yet no one is asking men to stop thinking about their careers in order to get married and have BABIES already.
   Not to mention that if I stopped thinking about my outfits, I would probably be criticized for not being feminine enough. Lose-lose.
   In any case, I think there are VERY few people who think of themselves to the exclusion of other people. I can be a good girlfriend and still think about MY needs or MY ambitions or MY well-being.
   I’m also wary of her comment that having a baby will get you a husband. I am fully supportive of women who decide to adopt or have children on their own, but giving it as advice to find men is a little sophomoric.
6. “You’re Not Good Enough.”
   Here McMillan appears to be supportive of women who think they aren’t good enough, and wants them to realize that you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. The love has to start with you.
   Wow! Agree!
   And then I read this:

Most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along: Love.

No mention of how you deserve the same love and respect in return. Just give and give and give of yourself, and eventually you will find marriage. I get it now.

I just have one question, McMillan.

What happens when I fart?